put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
