apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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