Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
