I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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