All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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