do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
