Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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