I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Randomize
