My first STD was from a foam party
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
So many bounce houses so little time
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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