My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
