Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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