I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
