:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
