Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
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