Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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