I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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