i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
