and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
And then he peed in my hair
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