Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
