I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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