I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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