If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
