Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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