You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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