i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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