Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
