remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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