we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
