my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
