I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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