You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
