I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
