We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
