hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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