I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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