How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I smell like Dick and happiness
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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