Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
