Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize