from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
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