first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
