I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
