I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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