Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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