look no pants
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Randomize
