if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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