It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
