So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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