yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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