Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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