i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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