The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
