Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
