Define "chronic" masturbator.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
