I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
