This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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