The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Randomize