Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
