I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
