We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
