So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
