Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
