You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
