I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
