Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
