It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
